The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I can't put those talents on a resume
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
