The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
