I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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