I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
