Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
