From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
