I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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