I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Enjoy the penises
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
