with your own penis?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
