he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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