this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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