I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Randomize
