Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
