the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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