I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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