things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Will exercising make me less horny?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
