You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
