I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
