I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
