Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
