hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
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