i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
