She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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