I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
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