i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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