I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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