Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
