It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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