you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
