So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
