New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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