If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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