i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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