I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
