life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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