I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
