Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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