I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
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