I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
