Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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