Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
