apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
