I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
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