I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
