Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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