I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
