They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
