moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
