No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
