I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
